Ever Changing, yet Constant

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Nov. 8th, 2005

03:34 pm - Introspection

I'm sure that for some people, writing in livejournal is a place to record their wonderful experiences and happy memories, and other such crap. For me, writing in livejournal is a therapeutic exercise. It's a place to write down whatever is plaguing my mind at that particular time. It's an opportunity to exercise my so-called demons. If people can't understand my position, then they obviously miss the point of having a journal, and they can mind their own business. Go read someone else's stories about perfect life and all that jazz, cause you won't find it here.

If I were my brother, and I was going through everything he has experienced in the last year, I would be chronicling everything in a notebook, or right here on livejournal. It's an incredible opportunity to write a book, to express how one feels, and to help others who are possibly going through the same situation.

On to another subject.... I've decided that I would begin to write about my troubles with women since its such an entertaining story. Perhaps entertaining is the wrong word; the correct phrasing escapes me at this time. I'd like to start by talking about a girl I once knew, Jessica. Jessica was a student at Auburn University, while I, of course, attended the University of Alabama. During this time, Auburn's spring break was a week earlier than ours, and Jessica visited a friend of hers, who was also a friend of mine, at Alabama. As it so happened, my intramural softball team had a game one night, and Jessica came to our game. I was stunned; she was gorgeous. She had jet black hair, wore a revealing red top (she was a voluptuous girl, that's all I'll say), and a pair of jeans. I introduced myself to her, and her to me. Then I went about playing my softball game (we won). I told her friend, and mine as well, that I thought Jessica was cute. She smiled and said she would tell her. After that, I never thought anything of it. We went to different schools, and I wasn't really interested in any long distance commitment. A few months passed. That summer I was going to summer school in Tuscaloosa, when one day my friend sent me an IM on the computer. However, she was talking strangely, flirty, and I was confused. She said she was Jessica, and she was at my friends house. I didn't believe her, so she said she would call me and asked for my phone number. I gave it to her, and she called me right then and there. I still thought it was my friend messing around with me; her voice sounded like my friends. But then my friend picked up another phone, and she and Jessica spoke to me at the same time! They sounded so much alike that almost couldn't tell the difference! It was crazy. But, the conversation lasted only a couple of minutes and that was it. I thought I would never speak to her again, but I was wrong. I'll finish my story next time....

Current Mood: contemplative

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Oct. 20th, 2005

08:38 pm - My brother is driving me crazy

My emotions are going in a billion different directions right now. The only avenue I have to express them is by writing in this blog. Most of my friends do not live where I do, and they are busy with their own lives. Even if they did live here, I wouldn't burden them with what is currently going on with my family.

My brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in January of this year. Since then, life for my brother and my family has been very difficult. He can't handle any stress. It's too much for him to deal with, as his mind cannot process complex feelings and emotions. All he does is sit around in a hooded sweatshirt and pajama pants and play Xbox all day long. That's all he can do. Right now, he is essentially a child. All he wants to talk about, when he's feeling good, is Xbox. When he's feeling bad, he wants to know what he has to look forward to in his life. When he gets like that it drives me crazy. Every night this week he's started with this "oh, woe is me" bullcrap about how we don't care about him, and that he has nothing to look forward to, and that we're not helping him.

Well, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO???? WE DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS!!!! WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!! All we can do is just be there and pray for him. But apparently, that's just not enough for him. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what the answers are to this situation.

All I know is that I love him, and there's pretty much nothing I can do to help him. I can't make it all better. It's frustrating. I feel helpless. Knowing that I feel the way I do, I can only imagine how my brother feels. I would give anything to know what was going on inside his mind. It may help me understand more clearly what he's going through. Then again, maybe it wouldn't help at all.

Current Mood: frustrated

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Oct. 18th, 2005

11:57 pm - 1st Entry

Ok, so this is my first entry in my livejournal. Right now, I feel as though a dark cloud is suspended above my head. I can't seem to shake it. I'm hoping this is a temporary feeling, but there are a number of issues plaguing my mind. I won't discuss them right now. Suffice it to say, I feel as though I'm in a rut, perhaps even trapped by the circumstances I find myself confronting. I need to do something to break the monotony, but I haven't figured out what to do just yet.

Current Mood: gloomy

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